Samson’s feats tainted with banned sweets

ASHKELON — Philistine sports officials said Tuesday they had started a criminal investigation into Israelite brawler Samson amid accusations of the banned substance honey.

One Philistine, who requested anonymity, claims to have seen the Hebrew fighter eating honey from the carcass of a lion. This accusation could prove a serious blow to Israel’s chances of rehabilitation from the foxtail torch scandal that tainted the country’s reputation this past spring.

Israeli officials said in a statement Tuesday that the carcass in question has been recovered, and though it could have contained honey, tests are inconclusive. One official stated “even if honey were consumed from this carcass, the levels would be so low as to be absolutely useless and ineffective in the context of enhancing physical performance.”

Samson released his own statement early Wednesday declaring “As a professional athlete, I pay meticulous attention to the things that enter my body. The use of honey in this way would violate my Nazarite vow, and is personally offensive.”

Samson, a beloved national figure, has competed in the 3-km gate carrying and mixed donkey-jaw combat, winning gold medals in each. An arbitration hearing is expected to take place this Thursday.

Reporter: Furious Christian