Santa calls it quits after contractual disagreement


North Pole, AK-Santa Claus officially quit his job today citing breach of contract. 

The fat (I mean horizontally gifted or slimly-challenged, whatever the appropriate PC term is nowadays) man lost his temper, smashed a wooden rocking horse on the ground and shouted out, “I can’t be expected to work under these conditions!  I quit!” before storming off.

The elves and reindeer remain stunned.  The reindeer have recovered but the rest remain in ill elf.

Despite two weeks’ notice that has to be worked through, this still means that Christmas is going to be short of one Santa.

Our reporter interviewed Mr. Claus (or Father Christmas for our British readers) about his sudden departure:

“Autumn came a month early this year with Starbucks bringing out Pumpkin Spice in August and then people were already doing Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving!  This has been a steady creep for some time now and people are expecting me to appear in malls around the world earlier and earlier, and the number of bookings is increasing exponentially due to over-commercialization.  But do I get more pay?”

“Looks like we are going to spend the rest of our days at our summer home in Fort Lauderdale,” said Mrs. Claus, with a growing smile on her face.

There’s no comment at this time as to whether or not one of the elves or reindeer will fill-in for Santa this year so it seems that more parents will have to step up to perform the task on Mr Claus’ behalf.  Though some parents have already being doing this to prevent crying children when deliveries have been delayed until Boxing Day.  Mr Claus. had claimed this has been due to the growing number of households requiring a visit, though some reindeer point to his increasing waistline leading to slower travel speeds.

With Christmas being one of the major holidays of the Western world, we reached out to notable thought leaders to get their opinions of this devastating news.

Richard Dawkins said “I never believed in Santa anyway – the sooner we rid ourselves of this imaginary person the better.”

“Santa may be absent but have already celebrated the feast of St Nicholas on 6 December so it won’t impact the Catholic church,” stated Pope Francis.

“Without Santa Claus, we can focus on celebrating what’s really important this Christmas – the birth of President Trump,” said Franklin Graham, son of evangelist Billy Graham. 

“I am not worried about Christmas,” said pastor Joel Osteen, “as the favor of God will still be poured out think this year on the blessed believers like me, and other rich Christians.”

Reporter: The lonely rogue

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