UK heatwave: police called after multiple sightings of pale hairy things


The UK heatwave saw the hottest July on record at a cool 38.1ºC in Cambridge.

After the initial shock that the British summer time was actually going to contain sun, British people relished the fact that the UK heatwave would mean they could talk quite animately about the weather before the usual awkward silence broke into the conversation.

However, as the heat continued and cups of tea were just not able to hit the right spot in the morning, British residents started getting a little cranky.  After all, everyone likes a little sunshine now and then but this sustained heat is just too much for our rail tracks, freezers and air conditioning to cope with.

But all of these concerns paled into comparison with the pale hairy things that began to be spotted around the country.

“When I first saw these things I phoned the police,” says a shocked Mrs Miggins, “I mean one doesn’t expect to see that sort of thing outside of the bedroom – it’s just not proper!”

“I mean every Brit worries that they might have to wear shorts if this infernal heat continues,” says a dapper Mr Briggs in his three piece suit, “but most of us have the good sense to resist inflicting our …. our…. well you know what on other people.”

“Of course there have always been some people in the UK who have lax standards,” sighs a uptight Mr Smith, “but fortunately these have been few and far between but in this UK heatwave a number of people are forgetting the bounds of decency!”

The police have reported in a dramatic uptick calls regarding the aforementioned pale hairy things and have advised the public to stay vigilant but remain at home if they can.  However, if they have to “pop to the shops” then they recommend wearing dark glasses to at least avoid the glare from the pale hairy things.

Hospitals have been treating a number of people for shock and a few people who were injured in car accidents when they were distracted by the pale hairy things.

However, some Brits are using these incidents to revise the British Citizen exam.  “It’s all good and well testing people on our Great Nation but if we don’t let them know about how one should dress appropriately then what is the point?” says Mr Williams of the Ban Shorts campaign.

Have you been affected by the prevalence of pale hairy thing in the UK heatwave?  Let us know your survival tips.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible

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