“Bless the Hands that Made the Food” Prayers Launch Model’s Career

Church Life

Samoa, IA: For years, Sarah has worked the dreaded Sunday afternoon shift at Silver Pen Buffet but the many “bless the hands that made this food” prayers changed her life.

Sheep find comfort in corrals and enclosures, and Christians after church are no different. Gluten and gluttony instead of grace and gratitude, tracts instead of tips, and the growing possibility that the restaurant plays an important community role—as a vector that spreads exotic and contagious diseases. Researchers failed to implicate the cotton candy in the latest measles outbreak, but employees have their suspicions.

Sarah’s main job consists of keeping the mac n cheese trough full and preventing sticky-fingered children from contaminating the chocolate fountain.

She typically fails at both.

Both are imperative to lure customers with cheap carbohydrates and sugars before they have a chance to smite the pricey prime rib and coconut shrimp with vengeance.

Sarah makes most of the food herself, or at least thaws the ingredients and combines them before nuking them to an unreasonable temperature. Getting between church folk and their carbs tends to be dangerous, so the only safe time to replace food troughs is when a large table of customers all hold hands and bow their heads to say grace.

That’s when Sarah first noticed the changes. The skin on her hands, smooth and luxurious like the sheen on Silver Pen Buffet gravy as she set a new trough in place.

Her short and stubby fingers elongated as if needed to play a concerto for a class of people who never visited buffet establishments. Her cuticles were perfect, her nails flawless—what was going on?

Was this the beginning of a terrible chocolate fountain-born illness? Did the chemicals from the sugar free desserts clear up her skin? What else was different about Sunday afternoons? She began to listen to the customer’s prayers, which typically contained confusing phrases such as “hedge of protection” and “unspoken but we all know it’s a porn problem.”

But the common factor of most of these prayers were her hands: “Lord, bless the hands that prepared this food”,  “Jesus, take out any poison but bless the hands that made it” and “Father God, bless the hands but also keep immigrants south of the border.”

Elated, Sarah realised these prayers were responsible for the transformation she was experiencing.

She has since quit her job and works full time as a hand model, but occasionally coats her hands in mac n cheese to keep them supple. 

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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