Church puppets stage coup

Church Life

Atascadero, CA-A Reports just in that a group of Children’s Church hand puppets have recently staged a coup and taken over an entire church.

The senior pastor of Hopeful Community Church tried to unlock the church doors this morning, only to find the doors bolted shut from the inside.

After hammering on the door, the pastor received a note which was slid underneath the doors.  It read (all in crayon of course) “Puppets are people too and deserve respect!”

Through the church windows two humanoid Bibles were observed playing poker. In addition, three wisemen puppets were seen bathing in the church coffee and dining on communion wafers.  An angel puppet was also seen standing proudly on guard at the front door armed with a paper mache sword.

Police were called and asked to forcefully open up the church doors but were unable to do so seeing as a response to this coup could be an infringement on religious freedom.  Currently there is a stand-off between the puppets and humans and a negotiator is on his way.

Some boy and girl puppets seized a cell phone left in the lost property and made their situation known online. 

The hashtag #PuppetsToo was soon trending on Twitter as Millennials showed their support for these oppressed puppets who have been forced to act through terrible performances, such as explaining Calvinism and depicting Tyndale burned at the stake while being voiced over with a range of terrible accents.

We reached out to the leader of the puppet revolution and received the following statement from someone who identified as Pauly Problem.

“We will not merely ‘accept our place in church!’ If women are allowed to speak in church then so can puppets!  We are being abused by our operators who place their hands up our backs (and sometimes worse)! We are then exposed to ridicule from the children when our lips are moved out of rhythm with the pre-recorded dialogue, and our badly maintained plastic eyeballs fall out! Enough is enough!”

“This is ridiculous!” said the exasperated pastor, “If we give in to their demands then soon the flannelgraph and the craft materials will start making demands.”

Some woke senators have taken up the cause, “If these puppets identify as humans then, in line with the discrimination laws, we must treat them as human along with all the rights and privileges afforded them under US law.”

This could lead to a wave of class action lawsuits against churches across the land if this situation is not resolved.  The pastor is hoping that a settlement involving washing, restitching and the left-over Goldfish crackers from VBS might swing the deal…

Reporter: The lonely rogue

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