Jesus condemned for not wearing pants

Church Life

It was only a matter of time before it happened. Independent Fundamentalist preachers across the country have come out in condemnation of Jesus of Nazareth for wearing what they call, “a dress.”

“Men wear pants, women wear dresses,” said Dr. Don Hamblin. “You can call it a ‘tunic’ if you want, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is a dress. It’s that simple. Just as it is a grave sin for woman to wear the attire of a man, the sin of a man wearing the attire of a woman is just as grave. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. After all, the KJV says, ‘As the deer panteth,’ it doesn’t say, ‘As the deer dresseth.’ It’s in the KJV and that’s good enough for me.”

Dr. Hack Gyles went on to clarify, “We don’t actually condemn Jesus, only what he wore. After all, Jesus is the Son of God. We wouldn’t condemn him, as such. He just didn’t understand the importance of wearing pants and a coat and tie. But then, he didn’t have the KJV to guide him in his wardrobe decisions. And those tassels he wore on the corners of his robe? They were quite girly. You’d never catch an IBC preacher wearing anything as effeminate as that.”

When asked about Jesus’ beard and hair, another unnamed IBC preacher simply said, “I guess Jesus didn’t know any better.” He refused to answer any more questions and simply walked away.

Reporter: Dr Parson Peeves

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