New 5D ultrasound shows if Jesus lives in your heart

Church Life

The technology behind ultrasound has taken a massive leap forward with the all new 5D ultrasound which can even show whether Jesus lives in your heart.

That’s right!  Your grandparents only had those grainy 2D ultrasound images!  Your parents thought they were cool with 3D sonograms that rendered a 3D image from multiple 2D images.  Then the rich and famous showed off with 4D sonograms that showed their baby doing things in real time like sucking his thumb.

But now 5D ultrasounds shows the spiritual condition of the baby and the patient!

Jed Thomas, lead researcher at the Institute of Research, explained, “The transducer does not just project normal sound waves through your body, but uses the fabled fourth worship chord. These holy sound waves bounce off spiritual internal organs and a computer converts these echoes into a picture.”

We asked a pastor, whose name we forgot, how this spiritual ultrasound has affected their theology. 

“Well, these 5D sonograms of babies shows that Jesus does not live in their hearts and so confirms David’s statement that he was sinful from birth in Psalm 51:5 and thus agrees with the doctrine of total depravity.”

We also asked how this 5D ultrasound will affect churches.

“Never mind the church, this is sure to revolutionise Twitter!  No longer do we have to accuse them of not being a Christian simply because they’re not in our denomination or associate with dodgy people – we can actually find out for sure!  If Jesus had had these then those servants in the parable of the wheat and the weeds would have been pulling up the weeds for sure!”

However, Baptists denounced the sonograms as “satanic deception” after they showed that Bill Johnson and Beth Moore also had Jesus living in their hearts.  Instead they recommended asking themselves who is saved as God has ordained them with the true and correct interpretation of the Bible.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible 

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