Red letter bible to be replaced by less threatening pink letter version

Church Life

(Seattle, WA) Seauwoeck Publishers just announced the publication of their new Bible designed to appeal to Millennials: the Emotionally Attuned Version (EAV).

“Millennials were just not being blessed by the current version, like the red letter bible, they’re all too authoritarian and so end up triggering them rather than affirming them,” Seauwoeck’s Chief Operating Officer Juniper Parks clarified, “And what’s the point of study bibles, reference bibles or devotional bibles when they don’t agree how you feel?  We just believe it is time to move past editions that take contextual, historical, or theological approaches and so we’re stoked to roll out our new pink lettered version!”  

“For some two hundred years the red letter bible have been employed in the Gospels to highlight the words of Jesus himself. With brilliant pink letters the new EAV will accentuate those passages where Jesus spoke about peace, love, including a strange neighbor, reaching out to an unclean Gentile and even, ‘tying a home-made fly for a friendly fisherman,’” added Ms. Parks. “The rationalistic approach was relevant for its day, but we feel people need to connect to the Bible in an emotional way.”

To that end the EAV, instead of having thumb tabs for each book of the bible, will have tabs for the many different emotional states.

When a reporter asked directly about which words of Jesus specifically address a twenty-first century understanding of love COO Parks said, “Oh, no, we’d never want to get in the way of how readers themselves define love. That’s a personal thing.”

It’s not the first time that companies have targeted this demographic, with Pokemon Go releasing its Millennial Edition “Search for offences” and LifeWay selling What Would Jesus Protest bracelets. 

Seauwoeck Publishers anticipates enormous sales because, in the words of one staffer, “the EAV will help facilitate individual’s possibility of emoting in the presence of the Bible.”

If sales “slay as planned,” Seauwoeck Publishers plans to release an updated version of the EAV which highlights, in green, the many eco friendly foods listed in the Old Testament.

Reporter: Dr. Ed Rybarczyk, The Uncensored Unprofessor

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