5 second rule to be reduced due to Coronavirus fears

With concerns over how long the Coronavirus survives on surfaces, the World Health Organisation (WHO) has taken the unprecedented step of reducing the 5 second rule to 3 seconds “just to be safe”.

Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, the Director General of the WHO (no relation to the band of the same name) stated, “While we are still waiting for volunteers to eat food dropped on a surface coated in COVID-19, we can’t in all good conscience allow people to carry on with the 5 second rule regardless. 3 should be the new 5 until precedented times return.”

However, some fellow scientists criticised the WHO, “The lack of volunteers was simply because the food offered was gluten-free.  Who’s going to risk themselves for that?”

Others feel that this move is yet another infringement, “First they had us wearing facemasks to stop us blowing on it – hoping that we’d be put off from eating food dropped on the floor.  Now they have blatantly taken away 40% of our time we’re allowed to pick it up and eat it! Next they’ll be saying we can’t pick the fluff off of it!  This has got to stop!”

Campaigners have already taken to the streets in protest against this latest theft of their rights, demanding that their country drops 40% of its contributions to the WHO in return.

In move reminiscent of the tide pod challenge, protesters are posting videos of themselves eating food dropped in bins, toilets and other unsavoury places after 5 seconds to show that it is perfectly safe.

Greta Thunberg has lent her support to the campaign, saying that reducing the time before food can be eaten again will increase the amount of food waste and the world will now end 2 years sooner than predicted.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible