CDC suggests suspending all respiratory activity to tackle Coronavirus


Originating from a Zoom meeting in his mom’s basement, the director of the Center for Disease Control (secret code for CDC) has stumbled upon a new revelation, or a last-ditch effort, to flatten the curve of the spreading Coronavirus that has gone, well, “viral” in recent days.

“At the beginning we suggested social distancing, but after further studies, we felt that all gatherings should be suspended, and most recently: wearing a facemask should be the norm (for all citizens who can’t stay put) to help flatten the curve. But now we’re finding that our campaign to MAKE HANDWASHING GREAT AGAIN is off the charts, so we have a brand new suggestion in order to keep certain people safe,” says the CDC spokesperson who was highly irritated that we interrupted his binge-watching of Tiger King.

Please read to the end to uncover this startling new discovery!

Speaking of Tiger King, the most popular new recipient of the Coronavirus is a tiger, but our sources cannot confirm this diagnosis after the tiger failed to complete his 14-page family history report to probe for pre-existing conditions. “Next week, be looking to hear about a unicorn that will catch the virus; we’ll be sure to time it strategically during a tense political time so as to make a statement,” the nearly incoherent interviewee mumbled.

Antifa is also bringing a lawsuit against the virus for “copying our mask movement,” but since social gatherings have been banned, they will have to wait until after the election when all this hysteria calms down in order to secure a court date.

NOW, for the newest suggestion from the CDC:

“We highly recommend that you suspend all respiratory activity such as breathing and…well, that’s pretty much it. We have exercises that will help the spread of this virus, the most popular being to hold your breath for fifteen (15) minutes. If you are paranoid or even the least bit afraid of contracting the virus, cessation of breathing is the way to go.”

Whilst medical experts confirm that people who use this approach won’t die from Coronavirus, they are concerned about how many Coronas the spokesperson had consumed prior to taping this interview.

(For your guide to the “Flat Line Method” please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the CDC headquarters).

Reporter: Angry Nursery Worker

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