Libertarians nominate mannequin

Washington, D.C. A mannequin was nominated for public office today in order to run for president as a Libertarian.

Some have described this unique candidate as ideal while others would say this is a typical politician. Various lawmakers, citizens, fellow politicians, even corporations have already pledged their loyalty for this candidate.

“I think it’s great that the party has united under this candidate,” said Gary Johnson, former Libertarian governor of New Mexico and presidential candidate, “no one is more Libertarian than this person. No one is more likely to hold onto our party’s ideals of keeping the constitution and rights of individuals intact!”

At first, we were perplexed by Mr. Johnson’s optimism but upon further investigation we found a note pinned to the mannequin’s suit. The note was titled “Presidential Platform,” and reads as follows.

Once I am elected president I promise to:

1. Not bore you with long speeches
2. Not spend too much “time” with interns
3. Not declare unjust, unending wars of foreign soil
4. Not overspend the taxpayer’s money
5. Not issue aggressive executive orders
6. Not drone anyone
7. Not get overly excited
8. Not play golf during a national disaster
9. Not lash out on twitter
10. Not give embarrassing answers during interviews
11. Not respond to interviews
12. Not attend congressional meetings
13. Not react should a bird poop on my shoulder
14. Not change the Constitution
15. Increase citizens’ self-reliance
16. Stand firm
17. Remain silent when necessary
18. Stare down unruly politicians
19. Refuse bribes
20. Remain in my office during a national disaster
21. Let the economy fix itself
22. Stay calm during tense moments
23. Be gender neutral
24. Remain alert 24/7/365
25. Avoid high carbon emissions airplanes

 A few Salty Cee staff members have already changed their political affiliations.

Let us know if you are tempted too!

Reporter: The lonely rogue