Man meets Jesus in Baptismal tragedy


After the whole deep cleansing bleach baptism tragedy last year at up-and-coming church, the Warehouse, Pastor Jed Thomas decided to stick with pure water baptism.

However, despite this move things have not been as plain sailing as he hoped.

“Well as you know, we reach out to the slums and when people convert to our coffee, I mean Christ, then baptism is an essential part of their new life. And not just because of their sins. I mean I’m sure some of them haven’t washed in like months!”

Pastor Thomas draws a deep breath before continuing, “Well, just last Sunday we had Bob make a decision for Christ after realising that there must be a God after tasting one of our deluxe lattes. We moved to baptism straight-away and quickly realised that he was gonna need a real good dunking to get him free from all that filth. So I held him under, what felt like an eternity but was in reality probably only two minutes.”

“I mean the devil in him was resisting the cleansing of Jesus throughout as he flailed about and tried to get out – but we knew that satan is a defeated enemy and so we weren’t gonna give ground to him. Then the peace of God settled on Bob as became still and calm in the presence of His saviour.”

Assistant Pastor Jerry Jones continues the story, “Well when we lifted out Bob, it looked like God had slain him in the Spirit – and his face was just a picture of serene calm. Then one of the helpers noticed Bob seemed to be holding his breath in awe of what had happened.”

“We were so blessed to see God was doing in his life – it was like when St John fell at the angel’s feet as though dead.”

Unfortunately, it was paramedics rather than angels that revived Bob. But Bob claims that during his time he met Jesus.

At first I was worried that this whole baptism thing was like a rival gang’s codeword for drowning and I panicked. But then a calmness came over me and I saw a figure in white embracing me, saying my name and encouraging me to breath.”

Some people have been inspired by his story but some claim that the figure was one of the paramedics and not Jesus at all.

We at the Cee are holding our breath while awaiting the outcome of the investigation into this miracle by the police.

“Reporter”: John Spencer aka Not the Bible

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