Migrant caravan to be stopped with moat and sharks

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President Trump signed an executive order this week in a last-ditch attempt to stop the migrant caravan slowly working its way across Mexico to the southern US border.

According to White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the president has ordered the US Army Corps of Engineers to dig a 2,000 mile long moat along the US-Mexico border and to fill the moat with, “sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.”

“Obviously, the sharks will deter anyone from trying to swim across the moat and if they try to build a pontoon bridge to cross…well, that’s what the frickin’ laser beams are for,” the Press Secretary stated in her briefing to the White House Press Corps.

James Mattis, US Secretary of Defense, has confirmed that an entire brigade is currently en route to the border to begin work on the moat and that DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, has started the dangerous task of attaching laser beams to the heads of hundreds of sharks. “We’ve been pretty lucky so far in that the sharks have only eaten two of our DARPA scientists. Outfitting these sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads has been going much smoother than we initially anticipated.”

Both the White House and the Defense Department are confident the project will be completed before the caravan reaches the border.

Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head

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