The Hairs on your Head are Numbered—by Facebook

 MENLO PARK, CA:  A recent New York Times article savaged Facebook’s stock price and reputation for taking privacy concerns seriously.

Much like the Parable of the Sower, Facebook scattered the seeds of user information on good soil, thorny brambles, Interstate 280—really everywhere possible.

For the uninformed, Facebook is not a literal book of faces painstakingly curated by a maniacal killer robot. It’s just a place to share innermost feelings for Great Aunt Margo to awkwardly comment on.

Much like our arguments about Gab, we at Salty Cee can’t ignore the spiritual value of malevolent websites revealing hidden truths.

Scripture does proclaim secret whispers will be proclaimed on the rooftops, or at least on the tumbled rubble of Tumblr. By revealing so much about so many, Facebook is simply preventing lukewarm, wave tossed, double-minded hypocrisy.

However, algorithms knowing the thoughts and intents of the heart mar the Biblical case for Facebook. Recent data shows that social media personas more closely resemble the superficial posings of the spleen.

 Scrolling through newsfeeds does seem like it’s the same yesterday, today, and forever. We could have sworn our newsfeed posted suggestions for people we may know. “Facebook: People You Will Know” seems to take predictive technology a bit far.

Then again, with fifteen mutual friends, surely this stranger Facebook recommends for me must have excellent taste. The difference? In the past, we didn’t realize that Facebook gave so much personal data to companies such as Amazon and Microsoft.   

It’s only because they care so deeply that they count the number of hairs on your head.

Maybe that’s why Alexa updates my follicle count daily and offers precise hair products for my needs. I thought it was a fluke that the hairline on my X-Box Avatar recedes at the same rate as mine does.

No need to worry until that receding hairline leaves more room on my forehead to surgically implant my Facebook timeline. 

Reporter: Dripping Ether