Voting Tips for Antisocial Citizens


Since I don’t generally care for people but still want to do my civic duty and vote for those smooth-talking politicians who will never follow through on their pie-in-the-sky promises, I have figured out a way to avoid the creepy poll workers who either try to load you up with a stack of brochures upon entering your polling place, or bug you to do an exit poll, which to me is like kissing and telling—it’s taboo!

Okay, bear with me as I walk through a series of key steps:

  • Drive slowly into the parking lot to scope out the perfect parking spot. This will come in handy in step 3.
  • Make sure there is NO ONE there that you know; if there is, come back later—you have until 8:00 PM in most cases.
  • Where I live, the volunteers or candidates are not allowed to be within ten (10) feet of the door. Wait for the closest parking spot to open up (this is critical) and take it. If it is a handicap spot, chances are you will be gone before the police arrive, so take the risk…or limp.
  • Keep your head aimed at the ground and rely heavily upon your peripheral vision to guide you safely inside the building. (They are not selling hot dogs, so please do your best to not get distracted).
  • Do your civic duty, get your sticker, and try not to get all chummy with the grumpy people judging you for not being in THEIR political party and for being an adult and thinking for yourself.
  • Walk briskly to your car, not looking up or making eye contact with the creepy guy who is trying hard to not look like a stalker, but in reality, we all know he fits the description.
  • Finally, take a selfie with your “I VOTED” sticker, post it on social media, and watch as no one cares.

Congratulations, you are a model citizen who successfully just avoided unnecessary tension and a conversation with a creepy guy who should have gone to work like the rest of us!

Reporter: Angry Nursery Worker

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