Paw Patrol investigates Elisha and the Murderous Care Bears

Church Life

Paw Patrol is on a new case, codenamed Maul Patrol on account of sweet, fluffy bears gone wrong.

Unfortunately, young Ryder is one of the victims, and even Rubble can’t dig them out of this mess.

For our few readers not acquainted with the Paw Patrol characters (due to only watching Veggietales in Sunday School) then please be assured that excellent cinematography exists beyond limbless produce teaching valuable life lessons.

This is relevant, because despite owning a hairbrush, Larry the Cucumber is bald, and so is the prophet Elisha.

Not everyone was polite about his alopecia. The Bible documents bratty kids making fun of the prophet. Most theologians advise that the “kids” were probably prophets of Baal in their twenties yelling “OK boomer” to Elisha, but Paw Patrol is still on the case.

A meme written on papyrus recovered from one of the victims states, “If I don’t feel like a medium rare steak when you look at me, you’re doing it wrong,” so apparently these weren’t toddlers.

Next to the meme at the crime scene, Rubble discovered a blood-stained paw print, presumably from a Care Bear.

Cause of death? Care Bear Stare.

It seems that Elisha invoked the bears and Bedtime Care Bear put everyone to sleep with a Care Bear Stare straight from his belly. Those who didn’t immediately succumb experienced a throwback to the prophet Elijah calling down fire from heaven, compliments of Funshine Bear.

As punishment, Prophet Elisha may no longer settle disputes via Care Bear Stares from his assorted minions.

If this happens again, his children’s church volunteer privileges may be revoked.

The Old Testament is full of spectacular deaths, but somebody else may need to inherit his flannelboard mantle and teach the children.

Tent spikes and lawn darts. The earth swallowing the disobedient. There are so many gruesome cases for Paw Patrol to investigate, even ones that don’t implicate animated competitors in the very niche talking animal market.

Please tune in next time to discover why Bambi’s salt lick matched the DNA of Lot’s wife.

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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