Support group to help people resist early Christmas music

Church Life

 New Haven, NH-A local church’s support group has caught the attention of other churches worldwide, with many others intent on following their example. The support group exists to prevent their members from listening to Christmas music before the day after Thanksgiving.

“A lot of people look forward to the Christmas season with so much anticipation that, it is easy to want to have it come early and listen to Christmas songs. However, because celebrating Christmas early is morally wrong, I had to start this group,” said Pastor Perry Noid.

The support group meets in the church basement and each attendee carries a calendar to remind them of what day and what season it is. The group discusses ways to live in the moment and enjoy the Fall season instead of rushing onwards to Winter. Libations are provided at these meetings, currently each group member drinks their weight in pumpkin spice lattes.

“The side effects of listening to Christmas carols before it is socially acceptable include angry reactions on Facebook, being snubbed by family, and even murder,” warns Pastor Perry.

“I just can’t help myself,” said Hester Ree, “the songs are so catchy and praise Jesus that I don’t care if that offends others. It reminds me of the way America used to be.”

The support group has attracted many from the poor and destitute in the town, seeing as Christmas is their favorite time of year.

Others have claimed that there is nothing wrong with listening to Christmas music early, seeing as it reminds everyone of the season that is yet to come, though some Christmas songs, I mean holiday songs do need to be updated so they are politically correct and socially acceptable. In fact, the CEO of Walmart not only approves of listening to holiday tunes early but actually encourages it.

However, the vast majority remain opposed to the thought of listening to these tunes for three month as it is as nearly as monotonous as K-Love before they offered their premium service which boasts one extra song in its playlist.

“I do not approve of listening to Christmas music in early Autumn,” said Santa Claus, “that’s a little hardcore, even for me.”

Reporter: The lonely rogue

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