Minneapolis defund police: reported crime drops to zero!


Minneapolis city council voted to defund the police in light of the recent murder of George Floyd by police officer Derek Chauvin.

Council President Lisa Bender proclaimed the success of its new police-free society by revealing that reported crime has dropped to zero!

“Calling the police came from a place of privilege and by removing that privilege we have found that people now no longer report crimes.”

But how does this police-free society work?  Our correspondent interviewed Minneapolis residents:

“The other night my husband was drunk and was threatening me and the children with a knife so I phoned for help,” said Melinda, “they made us an appointment with a social worker the following week and right away we felt safer.”

“Last week my house was broken into and I confess that I still harboured a desire to phone the police,” said Lionel, “but I realised that was the privileged thing to do. The thief was the real victim here. So I let them take my belongings as reparation for the injustices he faces and gladly accepted the beating I deserved.”

Lisa Bender added, “Many people were resistant to wanting to disband the police, including Jacob Frey, our Minneapolis Mayor.  But the idea that people are naturally bad is an outdated concept promoted by the religious right.”

Tyrone, a local gang member agrees, “Yeah, we used to have gang wars but since the police were disbanded and replaced by crisis staff trained in de-escalation we’re able to work out our differences peacefully.”

Mayor Jacob Frey commented, “I confess I thought it ridiculous that reallocating the 4% of our budget that was spent on police to social services would make much of a difference, but only the other day I saw these gang members sitting in a circle and singing Kumbaya.”

Image: David Schuman
Reporter: John Spencer and Scott Norris.

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