Progressives call for positive thoughts not thoughts and prayers


Progressives have demanded positive thoughts in lieu of thoughts and prayers when tragedies, such as the recent mass shootings, occur.

“Positive thoughts are what we need in order to address tragedies such as shootings, natural disasters, income inequality and climate change,” a spokesperson boldly declared, “Thoughts and prayers may have worked for us before (maybe when people actually prayed), but things are changing, and we are progressives. Going back to the ways things used to be done is just…erm not progressive.”

We asked the spokesperson if positive thoughts were a relative term, to which she turned to an aid for instructions. The aid whispered into her ear and she replied with, “Yes, share your positive thoughts with your relatives.”

We asked the spokesperson if thinking positively paled in comparison to prayer, seeing as thoughts are only for the benefit of the thinker whereas prayer is literally communicating with the creator of the universe and to that end, the most powerful being to have ever existed.

Sadly however, this question was too long, and we could not her attention. We sent her the exact same question on Instagram, to which she replied with:

“Prayers are being ignored by most people, especially Hollywood celebrities. I’m calling for unity so, join the rest of us and only give positive thoughts.”

Joel Osteen, about whom NASA recently confirmed that his smile is visible from space, agrees.  In a statement, he stated, “The power of positive thinking about who you are has the power to transform yourself and increase your favor.”

Sadly, Joel Osteen neglected to tell us whether such positive thinking helps anyone else.

Our reporter investigated the effects with the Almighty himself.  Heaven released a statement in response to prayer but has, so far, remained silent to our positive thoughts.

Reporter: The lonely rogue

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