Plastic straw ban imposed to fight straw crime


Plastic straw bans have now been imposed in Seattle, Malibu, Santa Monica and San Francisco in the past month in an effort to combat straw related crime.

Following bans on guns and knives which have been so successful at reducing crime in these cities, criminals have adapted by making shivs out of straws.

Over 300 straw related crimes have been recorded in Seattle alone this past month, ranging from muggings, assault and store robberies. 

In addition, health concerns are growing from the trend of setting light to the straws and inhaling the fumes which give their users a plastic high similar to glue-sniffing.

Santa Barbara has gone one step further by introducing jail time for even those who sell or distribute straws.

“There’s no point banning guns, knives, and drugs when plastic straws are available from every food outlet.  We may as well just directly sponsor crime!” said a spokesperson.

“Already we’ve disrupted the gangs’ key distribution network partners; McDonalds and Starbucks.  As their source dries up so too will crime.”

However, not everyone agrees with the local government:

“Replacing plastic straws with paper straws doesn’t fix the problem – you can still give someone a nasty paper cut,” says Kayleigh Smith, a vocal critic of the law, “if criminals are also armed with a bottle of squeezy lemon juice then fear will still be ruling our streets!”

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible

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